As y'all may remember from this post, I have Strong Feelings about arranged marriage. (I also went on a huge rant about it in this post...but that was quite a while ago, so you probably don't remember that.) So, I decided that it was finally time for my opinions on arranged marriage to get a full post to themselves.
To be clear, we're talking about literary arranged marriage. Fictional arranged marriage. I'm not touching real life arranged marriage with a ten-foot pole.
(Although I will note that in the research for this post, I came across a few interesting statistics about real life arranged marriage. Such as, 55% of marriages in the world are arranged. And those marriages only have a 6.3% divorce rate. 74% of people in India prefer arranged marriage over other kinds. Fascinating. Source.)
So. Fictional arranged marriage. I'm going to give my overall opinion about it first, and then some examples of books that do it poorly, and books that do it well.
The thing that absolutely drives me up the wall about fictional arranged marriage is that it very often is used as a vehicle for a love-triangle-that's-not-a-love-triangle. In other words, oftentimes the main character (who is often royal, in some capacity) is engaged to be married to someone he or she has never met (or isn't over the moon for), and THEN they meet someone else that they suddenly! have! warm! fuzzy! feelings! for! and end up breaking off their arranged marriage to be with the person that they have developed a passion for. (Clearly true love. Clearly.) In other words, oftentimes, the character ends up actually ducking out of the arranged marriage in preference for someone they've just "fallen in love with".
There is so much wrong with this I don't even know where to start.
*sits and thinks*
Okay, well, let's start with the obvious. Warm fuzzy feelings for someone tend to last 6 months to 2 years. As our pastor says, "you can't get up on the altar and vow to have warm fuzzy feelings for the other person for the rest of your life". And yet, the wedding vows say "[I will] love you and honor you all the days of my life". This, then, would be because love is not the same as warm, fuzzy feelings. Love is willing the good of the other, sacrificing for the other, putting the other before oneself, and so on. In other words, something that married couples will need to practice every day for the rest of their lives. And, as that same priest says, "warm fuzzy feelings are helpful, but they do go away".
Not, perhaps, the best thing to base a marriage on, and certainly not the right thing to break off a previous engagement for! It's a possible thing to base a marriage on, provided that the person you have fuzzy feelings for is also a Good Person, and someone that, considered impassively, you would be willing to love and honor all the days of your life. But it's not necessarily the best, nor the only, thing to base a marriage on. (Friendship is, in my opinion, the best thing to base a marriage on, so there's that. Generally, the person who the MC has warm fuzzy feelings for is not someone they've known for long enough to develop a real friendship with.)
Also, warm fuzzy feelings for someone fade pretty quickly if you're not in a relationship with that person! It's not like the character is going to be in AGONY for the rest of their lives if they don't marry the person that they thought they NEEDED to be with. It may be hard for a few months or a few years, but eventually, the feelings will fade. They will. It's just a fact of life. Chill out, my dudes, and don't act like you're dying just because you don't get to get married to someone that you've probably only known for like, a couple of weeks, but you're convinced that you love.
Almost done, I promise...my parents do marriage prep at our parish, and they are driven INSANE by what they call the "rose-colored glasses" that most of the couples they prepare for marriage come in with. The couples think that just because they wuuuuuv each other that everything in their marriage will be easy, they've never have conflicts, they'll always feel fuzzy feelings for the other person, they'll be able to read their spouse's mind when they get married (yes, that was a real thing someone thought, and no, the sacrament of marriage doesn't come with telepathy skills), and so on. Obviously, none of this is true. Any marriage is going to have problems...the "love match" perhaps even more so than the arranged marriage that the character is trying to dodge!
Basically, all of that to say, the "oh my goodness I think I'm in love with this other person, so I must break off my engagement and go marry them" is clearly a falacy. That's my first peeve.
The second peeve is GOOD GRIEF do you abandon all your responsibilities this easily?
Especially if the person in said arranged marriage/engagement is a monarch, there is a good reason for the arranged marriage to be arranged in the first place. It's for the good of the country, and there are potentially international repercussions if the marriage doesn't go through! If a king (or queen or princess) can't sacrifice his or her fuzzy feelings for someone else for the good of his country, then what else will he fail to sacrifice for the good of his country? In that case, it is my honest opinion that he (or she) doesn't deserve to be king (or queen).
Even if the person isn't a monarch, they have a responsibility to the person they're engaged to. I'm not saying that engagements shouldn't ever be broken off (there are certainly many valid reasons to do so, and I actually know someone who has broken off an engagement for an excellent reason, and is the happier for it), BUT an engagement is a serious commitment that shouldn't be abandoned with the lightness that some of these characters seem to do it with.
(I still haven't decided exactly where I land in that consideration...the Catholic Church can be a bit bipolar when it comes to engagements. It emphasizes them as periods of discernment, making absolutely sure that you want to marry the other person, and also stipulates a six-month engagement period, minimum, to make sure that marriages are not rushed. But on the other hand, in the Tridentine Rite (i.e. pre-1965) Betrothal Rite, the rite begins with the priest saying, among other things, "we are confident that you have given serious and prayerful deliberation to your pledge of wedlock". After that, the two parties say to each other "I promise that I will one day take thee as my wife/husband." All in all, though...shall we just say that engagement is not something to be taken lightly.)
Also, the idea that "I must chase whoever I have fuzzy feelings for, leaving behind whatever other responsibilities I have" sets an extremely dangerous precedent. Because, as we've established, fuzzy feelings fade. So, even if the character marries his or her fuzzy feelings person, they won't have fuzzy feelings for them forever.
So then, what happens when they develop fuzzy feelings for someone else?
I know that this doesn't always happen to people who are married, because most people who are married and care about their marriages are very careful to be emotionally chaste. But then again, most people who are engaged are also careful to be emotionally chaste. And clearly this character was not, which is how he or she got themselves into this mess in the first place.
Then what? Do they follow their irresponsible precedent and commit adultery? Or do they stay in their marriage and perhaps, if they're smart, realize that given what's going on right now, they would probably have been able to be happy in their original arranged marriage in the first place?
Food for thought...and opportunity for regrets.
*looks up*
Um.
Wow.
Sorry guys. I honestly didn't realize I would spill /that much/ irritation onto the page in this post.
*clears throat*
*hops off soapbox*
Um yeah. So, now, if you're not already sick of me, I'm going to talk about a book that does this badly (just one, I think, because I've already spewed enough frustration about how this trope can go bac), and a few that do it well.
Because there are examples of books that do it well! Not all books are along the lines that I've just ranted and railed about for paragraphs and paragraphs. Thankfully, or else I'd write off the entire trope. And now I don't have to. And as it turns out, as much as I HATE the arranged marriage trope done poorly, I LOVE it when it's done well.
So, so, so.
I will note that there will be spoilers ahead, but I'm putting the name and cover of the book before any of my remarks, so if you need to skip one of my blurb/opinions because of spoilers, please do. I don't wish to ruin anyone's enjoyment of any of these books...except perhaps the one that was done badly. That one I'm happy to ruin. (I know there are more good examples of arranged marriage, and more bad examples, than I list here, but in the interest of keeping the post to a reasonable length...I'm doing one bad, one good, and three best.)
Arranged Marriage Done Badly
This is, actually, the Book That Launched A Thousand Rants, aka the book that made me realize how passionately I hated Arranged Marriage done badly.
Suffice it to say that it is everything that I just lampooned and mocked above, and then some.
I really don't want to say more about it, because it still make me mad.
(And that part that made me the MOST angry is that it LOOKED LIKE IT WASN'T GOING TO DO THAT. It FAKED ME OUT. I THOUGHT that it was going to be a GOOD arranged marriage book, where the main character ACTUALLY MARRIES THE PERSON THAT HE'S SUPPOSED TO and then he DIDN'T.)
*ahem*
Yeah, I think that's enough of that. Moving on.
Arranged Marriage Done Better
There's a trend in fictional arranged marriage of having the character Not Want To Enter An Arranged Marriage, but then end up meeting his or her future spouse along the way and falling in love with them and then being like "...oh. That wouldn't have been so bad after all. Cool, imma marry you now."
I'm kind of on the fence about that? Like, yes, I'm glad that you're happy to be marrying the person that you're supposed to marry. It's cute that you have warm fuzzy feelings for them. And it's good that you've realized that they're not a jerk--that was a worry, and I can understand how it was a worry.
But at the same time, it's a bit of a cop-out? The character isn't displaying their nobility and sense of duty by running away from an arranged marriage and then being like "ope, no, you were right all along, I actually did want that". It's kind of immature--a typical teenage thing to do.
But hey, it's not NEARLY as bad as it could be (at least they do get married), and it is pretty cute.
I tentatively approve.
Arranged Marriage Done Best
Legolas suggested that I include this one, and I was skeptical until I realized that what she meant was Irina and Mirnatius, not Miryem and the Staryk King. Cuz that one isn't an arranged marriage...that one is a kidnapping that does EVENTUALLY get 'reset' and pursued through the proper channels. (But I do ship it, in the end. Believe me, I ship it, and I brook no argument with that.)
Anyway. Irina and Mirnatius, and this is going to get spoilery, so please please please if you haven't moved on already, do so.
You can't say I didn't warn you.
So...it is an arranged marriage, in that Irina's father orders her to marry Mirnatius, who she's pretty dang sure is actually the devil, and she does. Good on you, Irina, I guess? From what I remember, she didn't have a lot of choice.
Honestly, I have a lot of respect for a book in which what is done with the arranged marriage is NOT "oh yes, he's actually wonderful, and I'm happy, and there was nothing to worry about". (Even though I do like those. As you do.) Because Mirnatius is NOT wonderful, and Irina is NOT happy, and there is a LOT to worry about.
And yet, as in all of my favorite arranged marriage books, Irina chooses her duty (and particularly her duty to her country) over her own personal happiness, at least, for a time. Because sometimes, there are things that are more important than one person's happiness, as little as our modern culture wants to admit that.
And eventually she does both save her country and figure out what the heck is up with her husband, who may or may not actually be the devil, and find some happiness.
It's a good story, I'm telling you, and I like the role that arranged marriage plays.
THIS BOOK MADE ME SO HAPPY. (Spoilers ahead. I warned you once, this is your last warning.) Because, you see, it was the opposite of The Shadow Throne. I thought for nearly the entire book that Shallan and Adolin, who had an arranged engagement in the first & second books, were going to break it off, or rather, I thought that Shallan was going to break it off. And I was VERY ANGRY about that. Legolas can corroborate--the number of times I smacked the book down and growled about this whole situation was pretty high.
But! She! Didn't! Break! It! Off! *insert cheering* Nooooooo, she honored her commitment and herself, her real self (if you've read the book, this does make sense, I promise, it's not just rhetoric), no matter what Veil thinks.
And then Shallan and Adolin fall in love, and it's CUTE y'all. And since both of them are 100% in for the arranged marriage even before they fall in love, I'm not even going to quibble with it on the grounds that I quibbled with Six Crimson Cranes. They put their duty first, and that rewarded them with a spouse who they legitimately love, AND have legitimately practiced sacrificing for, and showing real love for. Adolin knows that Shallan is a little bit broken, and Shallan knows that Adolin is a little bit broken, and yet, they still love each other, and are like LET'S GET MARRIED ASAP. (Okay, maybe I don't approve of that, but they have had a pretty long engagement at that point...)
Anyway. I ship it, y'all. I ship it real bad.
Brandon Sanderson, you're two for two, and I like it. Elantris is one of the best arranged marriage stories I've read to date. Even if the book itself does have some other flaws, the arranged marriage part of it is...oh gosh, so good.
First of all, Sarene suggests it. She doesn't know Raoden at all at this point, but she knows what's good for her country, and she's going after it for all it's worth. What a good princess. *pats her on the head* *dodges her wrath* (Unlike her FATHER who is a pitiful excuse for a king, but that's a rant for another day.)
However, that could end up being dangerously "girl-power-y" (Sarene suggesting the marriage, that is), except that Raoden steps up to the plate like the wonderful little muffin he is and courts her, via letter and via the book-universe's equivalent of Skype. Ultimately, he also courts her in person, although she doesn't know it's him at the time. He makes her feel wanted, which she needs DREADFULLY at that time, and it's super cute.
There is some of that thing that I talked about when I was talking about Six Crimson Cranes, where characters in an arranged marriage get to know each other without one of them knowing that the other is the one they're supposed to marry. However, it doesn't bother me nearly as much here, because Sarene was going to marry him anyway, no matter whether she liked him or not. The fact that she does like him, that he's a genuinely good person, does, however, make it better and, let's face it, much more shippable.
Anyway. The whole thing is uncomplicated (well, okay, it's super complicated, but it's not romantically complicated) and adorable. Duty, in Sarene, and in Raoden, is rewarded with each getting a partner that they can esteem, love, and trust.
A Small Detour: Marriage Of Convenience
While we're talking about arranged marriage, I thought I'd also tackle the topic of a related trope-thing: marriage of convenience. Marriage of convenience is generally defined as a situation where two people must marry--not by their own choice, necessarily, but as a tactic for something, whether it's that one person needs more money, and the other has it, or that they need to cover up an awkward situation. It can be a subcategory of arranged marriage; it doesn't have to be. So: I am going to cover my thoughts on it by talking about the role it plays in two books.
I know that not all Marriage of Convenience-type stories have the problem that I'm about to complain about at length, but it's the thing that I think of first when I think of Marriage of Convenience, and I think it's something that probably haunts a fair number of Arranged Marriage books, as well, so I feel very justified in complaining about it.
This is one of the worst examples of a book about marriage I have ever read. I say this in hindsight; my fifteen-year-old self (or somewhere thereabouts) had no problems with it. But GOOD GRIEF.
Let me back up a moment. The basic premise of the book is that two people in the Regency era are accidentally-on-purpose left in a ruin overnight, so that their reputations are (pardon my pun) ruined. Therefore, they must get married. I don't know if there are good places to take the plot of a Regency novel with a premise of this sort, but the place that this book takes the plot is Not It.
It, in fact, centers the plot of the novel around a question. That question is: "will they, or won't they?"
That is what the entire plot is about. They're getting to knew each other, and WHEN are they going to get in bed together?
To which I say: NONE OF YOUR DANG BUSINESS.
*mic drop*
(Did I mention this was supposed to be a Christian romance novel?)
Okay, okay, I do have a few more thoughts on this whole COMPLETE FIASCO. *coughs*
Thought #1: IT'S NONE OF YOUR DANG BUSINESS. Oh, I said that already? Right, I did. Moving on.
Thought #2: Marriage is about more than just getting in bed together. To give the book credit, there are some cute 'getting to know you' scenes, but they kind of felt like a way to get to the bed. That's not the point, people. In fact, I think the thing that bothered me the most about this book is the way that it treated them getting in bed together as this Big Super Important Thing That You Must Know About, when really, it's just something that married people do.
Thought #3: Related to my last point: This may be slightly medieval, but...um, marriage isn't entirely binding until it's consummated. In fact, if you, dear reader, happen to find yourself in a marriage where you have said vows but not actually consummated said marriage, you may be delighted to discover that the Catholic Church is just as happy to dissolve your marriage with no questions asked. (Okay, questions are asked: they're to make sure that you're telling the truth about not having consummated said marriage.) And the way the characters in this book WAFFLED about the consummation thing is enough to drive any canon-law-loving Catholic up the wall. The classic Catholic solution: ya have a dang wedding night for a reason.
Now, I am not saying that if one of the characters was uncomfortable with this, the other character should force them into it. That...without writing the name of it on my blog, because we're trying to keep it roughly PG...would be a mortal sin, and we don't like those. However, I am saying that perhaps it should be the expectation, unless there's an extenuating circumstance? Or at the very least, maybe TALK to your WIFE about when you want to CONSUMMATE your MARRIAGE? (There are plenty of extenuating circumstances, for the record. I do know that. And I'm aware that I'm walking on thin ice with this entire thought, especially since my mom reads my blog and she knows a lot more about marriage than me, so I'm fully expecting a "Sam, do you really think that?" conversation in my near future.)
Also, you don't need to be full of fuzzy feelings for the other person in order to consummate the marriage. In fact, doing so is something that's more likely to engender fuzzy feelings than the other way around, if my sources are correct. Especially since you don't know if fuzzy feelings are ever going to develop.
In any case: turning the consummation of a marriage into the turning point of the book's plot is Not It. REALLY Not It.
On the flip side, this is one of the best examples of a book about marriage that I've ever read. In essence, Adam, the main character, has to leave behind the woman he [thinks he] is in love with, the beautiful Julia, to marry Jenny, a woman with quite a bit of money, for Financial Reasons. (These are not extremely important, or at least, I don't remember what they are.)
Basically, the whole book is based around the premise that one doesn't need to base marriage on fuzzy feelings, but rather can base it on mutual respect, and a love that is truly willing the good of the other. With hard work (as any marriage really does need) and time, it will become a beautiful partnership. And I like that Very Much.
While Adam doesn't harbor a Burning Passion for Jenny...he slowly comes to realize that he's very comfortable with her, probably more comfortable than he would have been with the high-strung and flighty Julia. She's his partner, his good friend, the one who makes life lovely for him, and he appreciates that. Also, can I talk, for a moment, about how wonderful Adam is? As soon as it's clear that he's going to need to enter into this marriage of convenience, he starts to bury his feelings for Julia. He knows that he can't indulge in them, so he doesn't stew, and he most certainly doesn't take them out on Jenny. Rather, he gives her the best care and love (in the true sense of the word) that he can. And it's really beautiful.
Also, Jenny herself makes me happy. She's such a dear woman--her life hasn't been exactly a bed of roses, but she has made the best of it, and is not opposed to grabbing at happiness with Adam (who she has had a lingering tendre for since...before the book started, I think?). She deserves it, in my opinion. Anyway, the thing that I love most about her, and that reminds me most of my own mother, is the way that she takes every pain to make Adam happy and comfortable. She gets his supper and mends his clothes just so, but what has stuck with me from the book the most is the affair of the muffins. (It's such a tiny moment, but it's truly what I remember best, besides Julia being a total ham.) Jenny knowns exactly what Adam wants in his meals, in his house, and she does her best to make him happy by handling the tiny details.
And while what they end up having together is not precisely a Romeo & Juliet level of passion...it doesn't have to be. And that is, I do believe, one of the reasons why I like this book so much, and why I think it's so accurate to married life, having lived with and observed a married couple (my parents, sheesh, don't look at me like that) for eighteen years, give or take. The little sacrifices you make for each other, and the little ways you show love for each other in daily life seem much more important than Sheer Levels of Passion and the Warm Fuzzy Feelings. (You should see how happy my dad is when he comes home and the house is clean. It's really quite sweet, I tell you.)
Also, as the icing on this cake of realistic depiction of marriage, the reader is obliquely told that they consummate their marriage on their wedding night, without a) being told straight out or b) it being a major plot point, or a major point in any way at all. And while it is still None Of Our Business, I appreciate Heyer's little tip of the hat that tells the reader 'will-they-won't-they is not going to happen', and then moves on.
I take off my own hat to you, Heyer. Or I would, if I was wearing a hat.
Okay, now that I've rambled on for FAR FAR FAR too long...kudos if you actually finished this beast...I want to hear your thoughts! What are your favorite and least favorite arranged marriage and marriage of convenience books? Did you agree with my points, or disagree? Have you read any of the books on this list? Do tell!
This:
ReplyDeleteOr at the very least, maybe TALK to your WIFE about when you want to CONSUMMATE your MARRIAGE?
YES. I mean, healthy communication in all areas of a relationship is of the utmost importance, but especially when it comes to, shall we say, marital bedtime activities.
I read Blue Moon Promise by Colleen Coble this summer, a Christian fiction western about a marriage of convenience where two-thirds of the book is "when are they ever gonna consummate this marriage," which drove me kinda crazy, but the characters TALKED ABOUT IT TOGETHER. They came to an agreement about "once we have spent this much time together and gotten to know each other and be comfortable together, that is when we will start sharing a bed." Which was so healthy. (They then spent the last third of the book wishing they didn't have to wait quite so long, which was stupid and annoying. So, not a book I exactly recommend, but it did handle that one aspect really well.)
I'm reading The Mistletoe Countess right now, which is an arranged-marriage-of-convenience story, and it actually works reallllllly well. So far, anyway! This couple also hasn't consummated things right away, but that's partly because the wife is pretty naive and doesn't actually know much about marital bedtime activities (this is the early 1900s, so reasonably plausible), and partly because they only met a few days before the wedding, so her husband wants time to woo and win her properly.
Anyway. I agree much with your post here.
I know, RIGHT? I mean, I'm not even married, and I can figure out that much. XD XD XD
DeleteHuh, that actually does sound like a healthy way of dealing with it, EVEN IF it's still maybe not the best topic to spend a lot of the book on... But talking about it and then setting boundaries in agreement is good, at least!
Huh! That's cool! I actually really do enjoy arranged-marriage-of-convenience stories when done well, so I may need to investigate The Mistletoe Countess...
I'm glad you agree! I will admit, I'm glad that my opinions tally with the opinions of someone who is actually married, haha!
I will be reviewing Mistletoe Countess more fully soon, but I have finished it now, and it is one of the healthiest, happiest portrayals of marital intimacy I have ever found. It never feels smutty, it never feels titillating, it never feels overwrought. We see kissing, we see caressing, we see the way that builds and feeds a relationship, we see two people long to spend time together and enjoy being married -- it is so refreshing! There's no on-page sex, though I would not let my young teen girls read it (nor would the want to, heh -- they both think love stories are icky right now). When they are older, though, absolutely.
Delete(Did some of the writing in the book also drive me nuts, though? It did. It's a 4 star read.)
I'll definitely look forward to your review, but from what you've said here, it definitely seems worth investigating! There are definitely far too few good books about good, healthy marriages out there! (Ha! I definitely remember the 'love stories are icky' phase, although I may have grown out of it sooner than most.)
DeleteI loved Oathbringer and Elantris (and have much the same feelings as you do about arranged marriage). Should I give Spinning Silver a try? Also thank you for providing examples -- I was hoping you would since I desperately want to read more books where they actually marry the person they're supposed to because choice/commitment >> feelings (she says as she does not want an arranged marriage and currently has many Feelings for a man) (but also is making the choice to stick around even when said feelings aren't all lovey-dovey)
ReplyDeleteHmm, now I'm thinking about how my feelings about arranged marriage manifest in my own life, and I think I'll be thinking about that for a while, so I'm just gonna send this comment and maybe share more thoughts if someone replies! :)
Oh, awesome! Okay, so I am a HUGE fan of Spinning Silver and would wholeheartedly recommend it, but with the caveat that the way arranged marriage is managed in it is...not quite the same as in Oathbringer and Elantris. The one arranged marriage in the book that I end up liking starts out quite unhealthy, and you need to be ready for that, I think. XD Just know that that's not the be-all and end-all of the relationship, and there are some twists involved! But it's a wonderful book, one of my very favorites, and a great winter read!
DeleteAnd you're welcome! I wish I could have included more examples, but I really couldn't think of any off the top of my head, unfortunately. But I'm hoping to find more in the future! Because I also want to read more books where people actually marry the person they're supposed to.
(Which I also say as I don't want an arranged marriage either, although I don't currently have Feelings for anyone in particular, lol.)
That sounds like a very interesting topic to ponder, and I'd love to hear more thoughts if you have them! :)
Hi hello it is I, commenting on this post so, so late. But it was interesting! And I have thoughts!
ReplyDeleteOne of which is that we disagree quite a bit on this? I may or may not get into that; I enjoyed reading your thoughts nonetheless and don't necessarily disagree with you as much as I would maybe think I do just from reading your exact words, if that makes sense...
But, like, I will never not be here for you hating on The Shadow Throne. XD Preach.
I did not see Irina marrying Mirnatius as her accepting her duty (also, being forced by your unloving father into marrying the literal devil is a totally valid reason to break an engagement??? and you really shouldn't have any moral qualms about like, "it's valid to break up but it's my duty, so it would be noble of me to go through with it" like no, honey, RUN.) but rather as her just being forced into a situation she literally had no choice about and then working very hard and being very smart to save her life and the lives of those she cares about. An awesome story but not, to me, an example of arranged marriage being anything but an evil tool of the patriarchy for oppressing voiceless women with potentially horrific results...and those are not words I normally say without irony, lol. Basically, I see Irina's marriage "working out" the way it does as in no way an example of the happiness following doing your duty even when it's unpleasant, but rather a beautiful grace that she (and Mirnatius) was given.
A Civil Contract though, ah. *happy sigh* I love that one so much. I'm so happy you do too. You put it into words so much better than I do, so I won't even try, but it's gorgeous and I love it.
part ii:
ReplyDeleteI still think, though, that you can't entirely dispense with warm fuzzies. Or at least something beyond friendship. Because here's the thing, I'm really really good friends with people I would never date. I care about them a lot. Know them well. WOULD NOT MARRY THEM. Have had...conversations...with at least one of them who did not feel exactly the same...on this topic...somewhat recently. And I just think it's a BAD IDEA to jump into marriage because this is a godly person and we're great friends...but if you're not attracted to them?? Maybe just DON'T.
Also some of my issues with arranged marriages in fiction really are just reflections of my issues with it in real life, so it's hard for me to separate like you did so pardon me for getting them mingled, but Palestrina's boyfriend recently asked me my thoughts on arranged marriage, and we had this whole conversation and my conclusion was basically like. People are going to think they know better than you what's good for you. People are going to think this because they are arrogant. Sometimes they are right, but sometimes they don't know you as well as they think they do (because, again, people are arrogant. and also control freaks). Do I think writing arranged marriage off wholly as a tool of the patriarchy that has a vested interest in keeping women voiceless and subservient is accurate or helpful? No. But do I also think that people should be allowed to make their own decisions, not subject to the whims of helpful people who might just not know everything they think they do (what’s that C. S. Lewis quote about the worst tyrannies being the ones exercised, from the tyrants’ point of view, for the populace’s own good?), and not to gratify someone else's political or other ambitions, about the most life-altering decision they will ever make??? HECK YEAH I DO. I strongly DO NOT believe in giving anyone else the responsibility that is YOURS to choose how to live your life. Because then you can always blame other people when times are tough; but if it was your choice, then it was YOUR CHOICE. You can have both the comfort and the pressure of that, and of putting in the work toward something that YOU CHOSE. And I just think that's so incredibly important, and never more so than when it comes to marriage, which defines so many things about the whole trajectory of your life, that...yeah. I cannot stand arranged marriage.
Lastly, I know I've mentioned it before, but have you read The Prisoner of Zenda since we last talked about it? It handles arranged marriage in a way I think you would like (specifically a scenario I think you wanted to see, actually), and I actually like it too (though my mom loathes it).
Hi hello, it is I, replying to your comment so, so late! (Not because I didn’t find it interesting, but mostly because when I have a lot on my plate I have a mental block about comments. So, I decided to clear said mental block today and reply, and I’m glad to be doing so!
DeleteI’d be interested to maybe have a conversation about our disagreements here, because I think they may be less than we think, like you said. So, hm.
HA! Okay, I’m glad you liked that bit, because oh my goodness that book is the WORST. XD
Huh. That is a very good point, actually. Especially since Irina essentially had no choice…it wasn’t that she chose to go through with the marriage, but rather that she was forced to, and then turned it for good. Eventually. Only after a whole bunch of really awful stuff. Fair enough! I was kind of on the fence about including that one anyway, but I felt like I needed to have a couple more arranged marriage stories than I did, lol.
A Civil Contract is such a good one! <3 Definitely one of my favorites by Heyer, which is saying something, because she has a lot of excellent books!
Oh, I agree! Warm fuzzies are super important for a marriage, but see, I think they’re something that can definitely develop *within* a marriage, if both people are of-good-will and intent on loving each other. And while friendship is objectively the best basis for marriage, that definitely doesn’t mean that every pair of friends has that *spark* that can catalyze attraction, &c. (And oof…I’m sorry to hear that about your recent conversation with your friend. I almost had to have a similar conversation recently, but it was fended off for me by another friend, which I am extraordinarily grateful for.) In any case: I’m not saying to marry someone who you’re friends with but not attracted to. But I am saying don’t marry someone who you’re attracted to but not friends with. Does that make sense? Also not to let warm fuzzies cloud your judgement…for instance if you’re already promised to someone else. Because even if there aren’t warm fuzzies there (YET) there is a promise made that means something (or at least should). (Unless the other person is a monster, I suppose, to your previous point.)
I think this post wasn’t so much arguing for arranged marriage in real life (cuz GOSH that’s not something I’d wish on my worst enemy) but more about the use of the trope in fiction. So just, to be clear, I’m not arguing for arranged marriage in real life on any sort of basis. (I’m also not arguing against it because I don’t think I know enough about the circumstances in which it takes place to do so, and I know of several couples who had quite happy arranged marriages). I think more and more nowadays, arranged marriages are done in such a way that the woman gets a choice between several men, if that makes sense? Like, she can get to know a few ‘vetted’ men who her parents & community would approve of and then choose. Which is an approach that I think is healthier than the ways in which I perceive it to have been done in the past. But you’re absolutely right, it needs to be a choice on the side of both parties. And in the Catholic view of marriage, it’s not actually a valid marriage unless both parties consent *freely* of their own will, without coercion, and wholeheartedly. Which would mean that no one could or should be forced into an arranged marriage. But if someone chose to do that—which I think sometimes people do, if for no other reason than that it’s easier that way (i.e. with help) to find someone who matches their religious convictions—then they would go through with it of their own free will.
Anywho. That was kind of rambly, but I hope some of it makes sense? XD